Answering a Reader's Moral Question about the Wife's Orgasm

Overview

Physical challenges in intimacy can leave Catholic couples unsure about what’s morally permitted. This article addresses common questions about climax and ejaculation, offering reassurance grounded in Catholic teaching. It helps couples approach these issues with honesty, love, and faith.

An anonymous questioner asks: 

Good morning,

I have a question about if a husband has problems on-and-off with ejaculating during intimacy. As in, what if sometimes ejaculation is quick, sometimes it takes a while, and it sometimes just doesn't work, how should the intimacy on the part of climax of the wife be approached? Should the wife always be climaxed after the husband? Or, if it is taking a while for the husband, can he do the wife even if there is a chance that the husband will not be able to ejaculate during the rest of the time of intimacy (there would still be a chance but it would not be certain)? Or, if the husband and wife know with 90% certainty that the husband is not able to ejaculate at that time for unknown reasons, is he allowed to climax the wife because the intention to reach full intimacy was there?

I have been trying to find answers because I want to do what is right, but it is hard to find answers for this. I found your blog and it seems like you are all well-educated and versed in matters of Catholic morals. Not many people know details, so I hope that you have time and would be able to answer my questions and bring me clarity! And, as I am sure you do, if you discuss this elsewhere in future, please keep my name anonymous. Thank you!

God bless.

Alexander John: 

Thank you for these questions! 

Before we get into the specific questions, I’d like to make a foundational point about the role of the wife’s orgasm in the marriage act. While it is not strictly necessary for the wife to be brought to orgasm for a true marriage act to take place, it is nevertheless most fitting and appropriate (not only from a moral angle but also from the standpoint of emotional intimacy!) for both spouses to reach climax. Furthermore, the wife has a moral right to obtain climax in the performance of any true marriage act, and so, whether before, during, or after intercourse, the wife is entitled to reach climax. Now let’s address the specific questions: 

Question 1: Should the wife only obtain climax after the husband? 

Response: There is no moral reason why the wife needs to obtain climax after the husband, for her climax participates in the integrity of the marital act whenever it happens within its context. Therefore, if it makes intimacy easier, the wife can absolutely be brought to climax before intercourse itself. 

Question 2: If there’s no guarantee the husband will be able to climax himself, can he still bring the wife to climax? 

Response:  If it’s not certain whether the husband will be able to climax during the marriage act, this does not in any way preclude the wife from obtaining climax because this is simply owed to her by virtue of the mutual intention to perform the marriage act. The husband’s foreseen difficulty in reaching climax in this case is entirely due to forces beyond control of the spouses. So long as the wife’s climax is achieved with the full intention of trying to bring the husband to climax during intercourse, the wife did not commit the sin of masturbation by being brought to climax in that moment. 

Question 3: If the husband and wife know with 90% certainty that the husband is not able to ejaculate at the time of the marital act for unknown reasons, is he allowed to climax the wife because the intention to reach full intimacy was there?

Response: So long as the husband is physically capable of ejaculating during intercourse (such that he is not impotent), the probability of failure does not impact what was just argued for. Nevertheless, regardless of the probability of failure, a sincere attempt must always be made, otherwise the wife’s climax would indeed constitute the sin of masturbation. 

I hope these were helpful! You and your husband  will be in our prayers!