Mixed-Orientation Catholic Marriages: Navigating Homosexual or Bisexual Attraction with Faith and Intimacy
Overview
Catholic couples sometimes face the reality of mixed-orientation marriage. Far from invalid or hopeless, these marriages can be holy, intimate, and fulfilling. Discover what the Church truly teaches and how couples can grow in faith and love.
1. Naming the Silence
In Catholic conversations about marriage, some realities are rarely spoken of. One of these is the experience of couples where one spouse lives with homosexual or bisexual attraction while the other does not. These marriages exist, yet too often they are met with silence, misunderstanding, or even condemnation.
When these couples seek answers online, they often encounter a flood of misinformation: claims that their marriages are invalid, accusations that attraction itself is sinful, or suggestions that they must undergo shame-based “conversion therapy” to have a chance at happiness. Such messages are not only unhelpful, they are untrue, and they wound the very people Christ calls the Church to love and accompany.
The truth is more hopeful. Couples in this situation can live holy, valid, and sexually fulfilling marriages. The Church’s teaching, when understood correctly, does not condemn them but instead calls them to holiness in the same way as every married couple. Their unique challenges, whether in attraction, intimacy, or communication, can become opportunities for growth in love, honesty, and grace.
This article clears away harmful myths, presents what the Church actually teaches, and offers practical hope. Drawing on moral theology, Church documents, scholarly research, and the coaching approach used at the Apostolate for Marital Intimacy, we will show how couples with different experiences of attraction can grow in intimacy and holiness.
2. What the Church Actually Teaches
When a couple realizes that one spouse experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction, it is natural for questions to arise: Does this mean our marriage is invalid? Is it sinful even to have these attractions? Can we still live out the vocation of marriage fully? The good news is that the Church’s teaching is both clear and deeply hopeful.
Attraction is not sin
Catholic moral theology has always distinguished between temptation and sin. St. Thomas Aquinas explains that sin requires the consent of the will; the mere movement of desire or attraction is not itself sinful (Summa Theologiae, I–II, Q.74, a.1). Similarly, St. Francis de Sales reassures the faithful: “Temptation is not sin; it only becomes sin when we consent to it” (Introduction to the Devout Life, Part IV, Ch. 4).
The Catechism applies this principle when it addresses homosexual persons. While homosexual acts are gravely sinful (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], 1997/2003, §2357), the inclination itself is not chosen and therefore not sinful. Those who live with such attraction “must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity” and are called to sanctity like all the baptized (CCC, 1997/2003, §2358–2359).
Marriage validity does not depend on orientation
The validity of a sacramental marriage rests on the free exchange of consent, the ability to live marital life, and openness to children (Codex Iuris Canonici [CIC], 1983, can. 1055–1057). The presence of homosexual or bisexual attraction in one spouse does not, by itself, make a marriage invalid. Invalidity occurs only if there is deliberate deception, refusal of essential obligations, or incapacity to live marital life (CIC, 1983, can. 1095).
A husband or wife who experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction but freely chooses marriage, intends permanence and fidelity, and is capable of intimacy may validly contract a sacramental marriage.
The universal call to holiness
The Second Vatican Council teaches that all the baptized are called to holiness in their state of life (Vatican II, 1964/1996, Lumen Gentium, §§11, 39–42). Experiencing homosexual or bisexual attraction does not exclude anyone from this call. For married couples, it means that their union can be a path to sanctity, even when unique struggles are present.
3. Myth-Busting: Clearing Away the Confusion
Because so little is written about these marriages, myths and false claims circulate widely online. Let’s address the most common.
Myth 1: “If one spouse experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction, the marriage is invalid.”
This is false. Marriage validity depends on free and informed consent, not the presence or absence of certain attractions (CIC, 1983, can. 1095). If both spouses freely consent to marriage and intend its essential goods—faithfulness, permanence, openness to life—the marriage is valid.
Myth 2: “Having homosexual or bisexual attraction is sinful.”
This confuses attraction with action. The Church teaches that the orientation itself is not chosen and therefore not sinful (CCC, 1997/2003, §2358). Sin arises only from freely chosen actions that violate chastity.
Myth 3: “Couples in this situation should pursue conversion therapy.”
This myth is particularly harmful. Peer-reviewed studies consistently show that attempts to change a person’s sexual orientation through so-called “conversion therapy” are ineffective and often damaging. The American Psychological Association (2009) concluded that such interventions lack evidence of success and pose significant risks, including depression and suicidality. Ryan et al. (2020) found that “change efforts” strongly correlate with poorer mental health outcomes and reduced life satisfaction.
The Church also rejects shame-based pastoral models. The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (1986) warned bishops against approaches that foster rejection or isolation, describing them as a kind of violence against the person. Pope Francis (2016) calls for “respectful accompaniment” rather than coercion (Amoris Laetitia, §250).
At the Apostolate for Marital Intimacy, we reject shame-based methods and instead use the PLISSIT model, which fosters honesty, education, and growth without stigma.
4. Pastoral Guidance & Hope for Couples
Couples where one spouse experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction often feel isolated. Silence and shame make the burden heavier, while open communication and pastoral support bring relief.
Common struggles couples may face
Mismatched attraction
Fear of sinning in marital intimacy
Shame surrounding disclosure
Pressure from online voices
Difficulty articulating needs
These struggles are real, but they do not mean the marriage is doomed.
A hopeful vignette
Consider Mary and John (a composite example from couples we’ve worked with). Mary grew up experiencing attraction to both men and women. Before marriage, she had been sexually active with several boyfriends and girlfriends, had threesomes, and at one point, she preferred sex with women. She sometimes still misses aspects of those encounters and occasionally finds herself tempted to fantasize about them.
John knows this history. He loves Mary, but at times he worries he can never truly satisfy her. When she withdraws in bed, he fears she is comparing him to her past. Mary, meanwhile, feels torn: she loves John and is committed to their marriage, yet part of her sexuality feels unfulfilled.
This tension could have led to despair. Instead, Mary and John began to talk openly, bringing their struggles to prayer and seeking coaching support. Mary discovered that her desires did not make her a “bad wife” or doom her marriage; they revealed wounds from her past that needed care. John learned new ways to be attentive to her needs, and Mary discovered that intimacy could deepen when she gave herself without comparison.
Little by little, the emptiness of “what I’m missing” began to be replaced with new joy in marital intimacy. Temptations did not disappear, but Mary now sees them as moments to turn back to God and her husband, rather than signs of failure.
Practical hope for couples like Mary and John
Temptation is not sin.
Communication builds trust.
Growth is gradual.
Faithful help is available.
5. Healthy Catholic Intimacy: The PLISSIT Model
The Apostolate for Marital Intimacy uses the PLISSIT model, a framework first developed by psychologist Jack Annon (1976) and widely validated in sexual health education (Taylor & Davis, 2006; Tunariu & Byrne, 2007). Its strength is flexibility: couples can move between stages as needed, sometimes even within a single session.
Permission – Clients are encouraged to speak honestly about their desires and history. Part of this step is helping them give themselves permission to let go of shame. For Catholics, recognizing that the Church does not condemn them for experiencing attraction can be profoundly freeing.
Limited Information – Accurate teaching on sexuality and theology is provided, clarifying that the Church does not place shame on them and that many negative voices online are false. This reinforces the freedom to self-give permission.
Specific Suggestions – Couples receive practical strategies for improving intimacy—communication tools, techniques for mutual arousal, and ways of cultivating desire in line with Catholic teaching.
Intensive Therapy – When trauma or deep wounds are present, referral to specialized therapy may be necessary.
This model provides couples with a concrete, compassionate path forward—avoiding shame while fostering honesty, growth, and fidelity.
6. The Universal Call to Holiness in Marriage
Every marriage faces challenges: infertility, trauma, mismatched libidos, pornography, or infidelity. For couples where one spouse experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction, the struggle looks different, but the call is the same: holiness.
The Second Vatican Council insists that all the baptized are called to holiness in their state of life (Vatican II, 1964/1996, Lumen Gentium, §§39–42). Holiness is not reserved for those without struggle. It is better to be a person who experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction and strives to live chastity faithfully in marriage than to be a heterosexual person indulging in unchaste acts.
The Catechism calls marriage a “school of love” where spouses learn to give themselves generously (CCC, 1997/2003, §1643). That giving often requires sacrifice, patience, and forgiveness. For Mary and John, learning to face attraction honestly and with hope became the very soil where sanctity could take root.
7. Practical Next Steps
Couples do not have to navigate these challenges alone. The Church offers grace in the sacraments, and faithful resources exist for support.
At the Apostolate for Marital Intimacy, we provide both structured courses and personalized coaching. Courses lay the groundwork by teaching communication, desire, and sexual fulfillment within Catholic teaching. Coaching provides a safe, individualized space to address struggles directly, using the PLISSIT model to guide growth.
Taking a step, whether through a course or coaching, can make the difference between silence that breeds shame and openness that leads to intimacy and joy.
8. Conclusion: A Word of Hope
Couples where one spouse experiences homosexual or bisexual attraction may fear that their marriage is doomed. Online voices may compound that fear. The truth is that these marriages can be valid, holy, and fulfilling.
Mary and John’s story illustrates that even when past wounds and present temptations remain, couples can grow in intimacy, honesty, and sanctity. God’s grace is more powerful than any struggle, and the Church offers truth and accompaniment to guide them.
At the Apostolate for Marital Intimacy, our mission is to help couples discover that grace in their own marriages. With faithful teaching, compassionate support, and practical guidance, husbands and wives can embrace their vocation as a path to holiness and joy.
No marriage is without struggle, but no marriage is beyond redemption. With Christ, couples can find both holiness and happiness in the sacrament of marriage.
References
American Psychological Association. (2009). Report of the American Psychological Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. Washington, DC: Author.
Annon, J. S. (1976). The PLISSIT model: A proposed conceptual scheme for the behavioral treatment of sexual problems. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 2(1), 1–15.
Catechism of the Catholic Church. (1997/2003). 2nd ed., revised. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana.
Codex Iuris Canonici [Code of Canon Law]. (1983). Latin-English edition. Washington, DC: Canon Law Society of America.
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. (1986). Letter to the bishops of the Catholic Church on the pastoral care of homosexual persons. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana.
Francis. (2016). Amoris Laetitia [The Joy of Love]: Post-synodal apostolic exhortation on love in the family. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana.
Ryan, C., Toomey, R. B., Diaz, R. M., & Russell, S. T. (2020). Parent-initiated sexual orientation change efforts with LGBT adolescents: Implications for young adult mental health and adjustment. Journal of Homosexuality, 67(2), 159–173. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2018.1538407
St. Francis de Sales. (1609/2003). Introduction to the devout life (J. K. Ryan, Trans.). New York: Image Books.
St. Thomas Aquinas. (1274/1947). Summa Theologica (Fathers of the English Dominican Province, Trans.). New York: Benziger Bros.
Taylor, B., & Davis, S. (2006). Using the extended PLISSIT model to address sexual healthcare needs. Nurse Education Today, 26(2), 136–143. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.nedt.2005.08.019
Tunariu, A. D., & Byrne, A. (2007). The PLISSIT model: Revisiting its applications in practice. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(1), 59–70. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601149167
Vatican II. (1964/1996). Lumen Gentium [Dogmatic constitution on the Church]. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana.
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