Moral Guidelines for Catholic Dating: Kissing Before Marriage?

While our Apostolate exists primarily for the sake of forming and assisting married couples, we recognize that we have many readers who are not yet married but wish to one day become married. For this reason, we would like to devote articles every now and then to provide guidance on navigating the stages of preparation before marriage, including courtship, engagement, and the like. Here we would like to address a very common question among young Catholics: Is kissing permissible prior to marriage, and if so, what kind of kissing and under what circumstances? 

Perhaps somewhat surprising to some, the Church has actually weighed in on this question rather explicitly. Pope Alexander VIII condemned as at the very least scandalous the proposition which asserts that it is not a grave sin for unmarried persons to kiss “for the sake of carnal and sensible delight” [1] which would arise from the kiss. Now it must be pointed out that especially when we are discussing matters of moral theology, terms are not used for rhetorical flare. So when the Pope refers to “carnal and sensible” delight, he is not speaking loosely but is offering a technical description of a very narrowly defined species of pleasure. 

Now most moralists distinguish pleasure into the following categories, particularly as they relate to the Sixth Commandment: spiritual (mental, or rational), purely sensible, sensible-venereo (sensible and carnal), and venereal (carnal). Let’s briefly unpack each of these before we address the topic of kissing. Spiritual or mental pleasure refers to delights of the mind that arise from consideration of some object of thought. As it relates to pre-martial sexuality, this could be when one fiance thinks fondly of the fact that he or she will one day enjoy sexual relations with their future spouse. But this kind of delight is in itself abstract. It does not engage the senses and certainly does not activate sexual pleasure arising from the genital organs. Purely sensible pleasure, on the other hand, is felt corporeally, but is sharply distinguished from the pleasure that arises from the genital organs. For example, when a courting couple holds hands or embraces one another, or gazes upon the beauty or attractiveness they see in each other’s faces, this delight is certainly felt in the body, but no one would consider such pleasure to be even remotely sexual except in an abstract sense. 

Now while venereal pleasure is self-explanatory for all intents and purposes, sensible-venereo pleasure can be understood as a kind of hybrid of both sensible pleasure and venereal pleasure, where pleasure in itself does not directly derive from the genital organs nevertheless does excite their arousal and cannot be truly disentangled from venereal pleasure as such. For example, if a husband-to-be were to directly and intentionally look with pleasure upon his future wife’s cleavage, this might not activate the kind of pleasure that arises from the genital organs necessarily, but it does stir up within himself a sensible pleasure derived directly from sexual arousal. Thus, this kind of pleasure, whether it be through looks or through kissing, would be gravely sinful. But are there forms of physical affection including certain forms of kissing that do not cross into the realm of venereo-sensible pleasure? Most moralists would answer in the affirmative. For example, Bucceroni says the following, referring in this case to engaged couples: 

“Kisses of levity, curiosity, or even sensuality, provided that they are not sexual in object or manner; do not in themselves exceed a venial sin. The reason is that they do not present an immediate danger of venereal pleasure. Kisses of pleasure, i.e. venereal, are a grave sin. Such are certainly kisses on immodest parts, i.e. genitals or nearby parts. Such should also be generally considered kisses impressed on less honorable and usual parts of the body, especially between persons of different sexes, e.g. on a woman’s breasts, nipples, etc.; or even on honorable parts, but in a less usual way, e.g. if they are very slow, or requested and pressed, especially with the tongue introduced into the mouth, etc. The reason is that kisses of this kind show an affection for venereal pleasure, and contain an immediate danger of venereal pleasure.

Kisses, embraces, and other touches that are carnal or caral-adjacent are forbidden … to engaged couples. The reason is that the mutual intent to marry does not grant them any special right to intercourse and venereal pleasure; and so neither to those acts which contain a more or less immediate danger of venereal pleasure.

Kisses, embraces, and other honest touches, from their object and the manner of performing them, are permitted to engaged couples. The reason is that these acts are licit in themselves, and are permitted to engaged couples... But the question is raised specifically about engaged couples rather than others, because in reality these acts can be permitted to them more easily due to a special reason that prevails for them, namely, to foster mutual goodwill, which is absolutely necessary for them so that the future marriage may be consummated. Now just as it is permissible to act with sensible pleasure, but illicit to act for its own sake, by abiding steadfastly in it, so it is entirely permissible for engaged couples … to take merely sensible pleasure in these acts.”[2]

Therefore, engaged couples are permitted to kiss and to embrace in a manner that does not constitute a proximate occasion for the kind of sensible-venero pleasure referred to above. Such kisses should, moreover, be done for the sake of affection, and not for the sake of even the sensible pleasure that would arise from them, for so long as they are unmarried, they do not have a true right to enjoy each other’s body in this way for the sake of enjoying each other’s body. They can accept these sensible (as distinct from sexual or venereo-sensible) enjoyments, but cannot act for the sake of them while they remain unmarried. The Church recognizes the profound challenges this brings to couples especially in the modern world, but a courtship that is blessed by mutual prayer and person-centric love is strong enough to withstand temptations against purity in this regard! 

1. Alexander VII, “Condemned Decrees” proclaimed on the 18th day of March in 1666 (Denzinger 2060, 1140 40)

2. Ianuarii Bucceroni, Commentari de Natura Theologiae Moralis, De Conscientia et De Probabilismo, de quarto decalogi praecepto de sexto et nono decalogi praecepto