My Spouse Uses Porn. What Now?

Pornography use has many negative consequences, especially when used by married people. Pornography use by a married person is a type of infidelity, because the viewer is allowing another to be the object and source of their sexual pleasure. Wives particularly feel the devastation when they discover that their husbands are using pornography. The impact can be so strong that wives develop what is called “betrayal trauma”, which can contain many of the same symptoms as PTSD. My pastor, Fr. Thomas Loya, who is a theology of the body expert, has said that wives can be even more hurt over their husbands porn use than if he had had an affair with a real woman because in the latter case, she can direct her anger and hurt toward one specific person, whereas with pornography use she cannot do it in the same way. To use porn in a marriage is a big deal. You are worth a happy, healthy, and holy marriage. You may be tempted to believe lies about yourself due to your spouse’s porn use - don’t believe them! They are lies! Recognize that the choice your spouse is making to use pornography is not your fault. It is a choice your spouse is making. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Even if your spouse says it is. 

The goal of this article is to share some thoughts and suggestions to consider if your spouse uses pornography. This is not a step by step guide on how to have any of the necessary conversations, but this article will discuss some of the things that the betrayed spouse will need to do in the aftermath of the discovery, as well as recommending some resources for betrayed spouses. 

Discovering that your spouse views pornography is very difficult, regardless of how the discovery is made. It is more hurtful to catch your spouse in one way or another than it is if the spouse confesses to it in conversation, but either form of the revelation is difficult. Take the time and space you need to feel the pain of the betrayal and grieve the loss of the image you have of your spouse as well as the end of this chapter of your marriage. Your feelings are justified, so it is important to process them appropriately. Seek the counsel of a priest, a therapist, and virtuous friends. In time, hopefully you can come to see your spouse who views pornography as a person who has developed a poor way of dealing with negative emotions. This is not to minimize the sinfulness or the seriousness of the act, nor is it to get you to minimize your pain. Rather, it is to help you look upon your spouse with compassion, even while being hurt by your spouse. Also, it is true. Pornography, as well as other addictive behaviors, serve the purpose of helping people numb pain and discomfort without actually dealing with the true causes of those feelings. Your spouse needs to learn healthier and holier coping mechanisms, and learn to lean into discomfort and address it. This is also true of spouses who have affairs. Even if there is something in the marriage that a spouse is unhappy with, the spouse who commits adultery is using the affair to try and numb their pain and avoid the hard conversation that needs to be had with their spouse. While it is difficult to show compassion for your spouse when they hurt you, if you can view the pornography use as being a poor coping mechanism or as a symptom of the disease of an addiction, then you can show your spouse the compassion he/she needs and help your spouse learn to want to deal with their pain with you instead of apart from you in isolation and in dark behaviors. 

There are resources available for betrayed spouses. Covenant Eyes has two primary resources for this. The first one is Restored Vows, a 14-day video course with readings and reflection questions, in which a married couple tells their story about how the husband struggled with pornography use and how the couple worked through this to save their marriage. The second resource is a free e-book from Covenant Eyes called Porn and Your Husband. A few other resources are Hope’s Garden, Bloom for Catholic Women, and Navigate Betrayal. Also, my friend, Steve O’Connor at Catholics Fight Porn can accompany couples through the process of a full disclosure. If you are a husband whose wife has been watching pornography, here is also a place to start. Finally, the resource we recommend the most is us! We are happy to provide coaching and/or moral consultations to struggling spouses and betrayed spouses, and also to keep you in our prayer intentions. Restoration of your marriage is possible. We are here to help.