What If It’s Been Too Long Since You’ve Had Sex?: Breaking Relational Inertia in Marriage

Overview

It’s been months, maybe even years, since you’ve had sex with your spouse. You both want it, yet nothing happens. This article uncovers the hidden force of “relational inertia” that keeps couples stuck and challenges you to make a simple but powerful choice. If you’re tired of waiting for the perfect moment, it’s time to break the cycle and start rebuilding intimacy.

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I was sitting with a couple not long ago who told me it had been over a year since they last had sex.

They both wanted it. They both missed it. And yet… nothing was happening.

So I asked them a question I’ve come to use often:

“What’s stopping you from ripping each other’s clothes off right now and going at it?”

And in all my years of doing this, I’ve never had a couple respond, “Well… because you’re sitting right there.”

Instead, they pause. They look at each other. And then the reasons start to come out.

“It’s not the right time.”

“We’re tired.”

“We’re not in the mood at the same time.”

“It just hasn’t happened.”

And just like that, you start to see the real issue.

You’re Not Alone… But You Are Stuck

If this is you, you’re not the only ones.

I’ve worked with:

• Newlyweds who haven’t had sex months into marriage

• Couples one or two years postpartum

• Couples who have gone years without intimacy

This is far more common than most couples realize.

And in many of these cases, it’s not that one spouse wants sex and the other doesn’t.

It’s that both want it… and it’s still not happening.

That’s not just low libido.

That’s something else.

Relational Inertia

What you’re experiencing is what I call relational inertia.

Relational inertia is what happens when both spouses want something good… but neither takes action.

Time passes.

Pressure builds.

Awkwardness increases.

Avoidance sets in.

And the longer it’s been, the harder it feels to start.

So you wait.

You wait for the right night.

The right mood.

The right energy.

The right alignment of schedules, emotions, and maybe even the solar eclipse and playoff schedule.

But here’s the problem:

The stars are never going to align perfectly.

That’s not how marriage works.

So What Is Actually Stopping You?

At some point, we have to stop pretending this is just about timing.

You’re both saying you want this.

So what is actually stopping you?

For most couples, it comes down to a few things:

• Fear of awkwardness

• Fear of rejection

• Fear of pain or disappointment

• Overthinking everything

And underneath all of that is a simple reality:

You’re not choosing each other.

Not because you don’t love each other.

But because you’re waiting to feel ready instead of deciding to act.

At some point, this stops being about circumstances…and becomes about a choice.

Love Is a Choice, Not a Mood

In marriage, love is not just something you feel.

It is something you choose.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most concrete ways spouses give themselves to each other. It is not meant to be withheld until everything feels perfect.

The world tells you:

“Wait until you feel it.”

Marriage requires something different:

Choose your spouse, and the feeling often follows.

That doesn’t mean forcing something artificial.

It means being willing to step toward each other even when it’s not perfectly convenient, not perfectly timed, and not perfectly effortless.

Let Go of the Fantasy

Part of what keeps couples stuck is the expectation that sex has to be a certain way.

Passionate.

Seamless.

Perfectly timed.

Effortless.

That’s a fantasy.

Real marital intimacy is much more human than that.

Sometimes it’s playful.

Sometimes it’s tired.

Sometimes you’re laughing.

Sometimes you’re a little awkward.

Sometimes it’s deeply emotional.

You are not aiming for a movie scene.

You are aiming for connection.

Breaking the Inertia: What to Do Tonight

If it’s been too long, you don’t need a perfect plan.

You need a starting point.

1. Say it out loud

Use the words:

“It’s been too long. I miss you. Can we try tonight?”

That one sentence can break months of silence.

2. Make a decision

Not “if we feel like it.”

Not “if the timing works.”

A decision.

3. Start simple

Take your time.

Engage in foreplay.

Focus on comfort and connection.

You are not trying to prove anything.

You are reconnecting.

4. Expect some awkwardness

Of course it might feel a little off.

It’s been a while.

That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re getting back into rhythm.

5. Don’t overplan it

If you turn this into a perfectly planned event, you will delay it.

You will find a reason to push it off again.

Nothing changes until you make the choice to change.

So don’t wait.

Start.

Build Momentum

Breaking inertia once is good.

But what changes your marriage is momentum.

Have sex again in a few days.

Don’t let weeks pass.

Be proactive. Initiate. Respond.

You are not just restarting your sex life one time.

You are rebuilding a rhythm.

And here’s what happens when you do:

• Momentum creates desire

• Consistency reduces pressure

• Choosing each other becomes easier

The more you act in love, the more natural it becomes.

Choose Your Spouse

So let me ask you the same question I ask couples in session:

What is stopping you right now?

If you were sitting across from me, we would not leave that question unanswered.

So don’t leave it unanswered tonight.

You don’t need perfect conditions.

You don’t need perfect energy.

You don’t need perfect alignment.

You need a decision.

Need Help Breaking the Cycle?

For some couples, inertia has deeper roots, like pain, anxiety, past experiences, or communication breakdowns.

If that’s where you are, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Our coaching is designed to help you break through what’s keeping you stuck and rebuild a healthy, joyful rhythm of intimacy in your marriage.