The Needs of a Woman

This article was originally published in the September 2024 issue of Horizons, the official magazine of the Byzantine Catholic Eparchy of Parma, and is republished here with Fr. Loya’s permission.

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This article is meant primarily for men, especially if they are husbands.

When a couple comes to me seeking help for what they believe is a "marriage problem" I always give them good news: "You don't have a marriage problem because there is no such thing.

There are only problems in what I call the two "pillars" of marriage: spirituality and the understanding of the fundamental needs of each other as man and as woman. The venue of marriage simply exposes these "problems." But they are not unique to marriage. They are fundamental to the whole world of humans relating but most especially in regard to marriage and family. I also present this principle as well to couples who are preparing for marriage.

For a holy and happy marriage, a couple must live always on the level of understanding and seeking to meet the fundamental needs of one another as man or woman. Otherwise, the couple's relationship slips down onto the level of relating to each other on the level of their greatest fears as man and as woman. This begins the downward cycle of exchanging mutual hurts with one another eventually leading to what is too often the mistaken notion that "I married the wrong person. We have to get divorced!"

St. John Paul II has provided the world with very handy way for men and women to discern the fundamental needs of each other. It is called the "Theology" of the Body. In this teaching St.

John Paul Il shows how to essentially “decode” the language of our bodies as man and woman,  and this will lead to the necessary insights of how to be man and woman to each other. The basic principle of the Theology of the Body and one that is central to the spiritual and liturgical theology of the Byzantine Catholic Church, is that the physical or visible world (in this case our male and female bodies) reveals the invisible or spiritual reality of the physical world (in this case the psycho-spiritual or "mystical" character of manhood and womanhood.)

Speaking from my Art background in which the human body is studied and portrayed in Art more than any other subject or motif, a woman's body is designed by God around a series of what artists would call, 'concentricities.' In other words, lines and shapes that are more curved and rounded. A woman's skeletal and muscular structure, as well as the very construction of her brain is designed to bring things close, to gather, bring together, integrate. Women have what St. John Paul II calls a "feminine genius." It is her gift of receptivity, stamped in the very language of her body. Her concentric body speaks the language and in fact operates through closeness, relationality, tenderness. Womanhood itself, in the person of Eve, the first woman, came into existence through intimate relationship with another human being. 

Eve came not from the earth, as Adam did, but from Adan’s very side, the very middle part of his body near the lungs and heart, which symbolize life and love. Stamped in the very language of the body of womanhood is the revelation of God’s own relationality and tenderness. God as Trinity is relational within Himself and God is in intimate relation with His own creation which comes to its fullness in the relationship to the human person who is created in the image and likeness of God. 

With this “decoding” of the language of the body of womanhood, a husband can be clued into

the fundamental need of his wife as a woman— relational fulfillment. The woman needs her man to be relationally present to her. He does not need, nor can he ever, fully ‘understand’ her. She just needs to be loved, not understood. In fact, this directive to husbands was heard during the couples’ wedding ceremony when the only and official Epistle reading at Byzantine weddings, Ephesians 5, was read. It said, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” Words are important to her. She needs to actually hear words of endearment from her husband. She has to know that she is cherished and found to be beautiful and desirable. When she is concerned or upset about something in her marriage or family she will say, “Honey, can we talk?”—something men often dread hearing.

Conversely, a woman’s greatest fear is remaining relationally ‘Unfulfilled.’ She does not want to be or feel emotionally, psychologically and spiritually and even physically remote or disconnected with her husband. When attacks or criticisms occur in a marriage it can often be that one or the other spouse is ‘telegraphing’ to the other spouse: “Hey! You are not perceiving my fundamental needs and that is hurting me!”

So, gentlemen, as the famous song from the musical “Camelot” as well as Ephesians 5 says: “love her, lover her, just simply love her.”