Answering a Reader’s Question about Sexual Fantasies in Marriage

Are sexual fantasies or roleplaying between Catholic spouses morally permissible? Drawing on the traditional consensus of Catholic moral theologians, this article explains when fantasies about one’s spouse remain within the bounds of marital chastity, and when they cross into morally problematic territory.

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A reader has asked the following question about sexual fantasies: Are fantasies about spouse roleplaying or roleplaying during the intercourse like for example nurse, maid etc. permissible? I have doubts considering that although thoughts are about spouse, such context could be considered as outside marriage. 

Answer: While it is not sinful to enjoy sexual fantasies about one’s spouse, even if this is a cause of sexual pleasure (this opinion is supported by Sanchez, Pauludanus, Sporer, Ballerini-Palmieri; Lehmkuhl; Noldin; Tanquerey; Vermeersch; Cappello; Genicot Salsmans; Bucceroni, Marc; Lanza, Jone-Adelman, and others), a few distinctions must be kept in mind. For one, it would not be in harmony with the Sacrament of Marriage if one’s fantasy about their spouse involved scenarios that would be immoral if they were done in reality. For example, it would not be morally licit to enjoy a sexual fantasy of you and your spouse having, say, a one-night stand, where within the fantasy itself your spouse is not actually your spouse. This would be to take pleasure in something objectively sinful, and since the good or evil in pleasure derives its morality from its object, the object of this pleasure would make the pleasure itself evil. The same would be said for fantasies that involve portraying your spouse as someone else entirely, say, as a celebrity or fictional character. This, would, again, be to replace a licit object of pleasure for an illicit one and would make the entire act gravely wrong. Any sexual fantasy about one’s spouse must a) not involve something that would be sinful if done in real life and b) must not involve substituting the identity of your spouse for another. These same principles would also apply for role-play. It is morally legitimate for example to role play in such a way that the spouses take on different roles or scenarios than what is actually happening in reality, but it would be morally wrong for the role-play to involve a substitution of identities.The Sacrament of Marriage ordains you sexually to the person you married, not to any other identity.  Such role playing must also not involve any simulated act that signifies something evil, such as rape, adultery, violence, etc. So long as these principles are kept, the only grave sin to avoid, per the consensus of moralists, would be that of either mutual or solitary pollution (i.e., orgasm outside the conjugal act)