Overview
Why can’t a sexual intimacy coach simply tell you what to try in an email? James Walther explains why some difficulties require sustained, individualized guidance and how coaching fees support that work. He also shares free articles and guides that give couples practical places to start. When a quick answer isn’t enough, it isn’t about gatekeeping; it’s about providing the help your situation needs.
“What would you recommend we do if we can’t afford coaching?”
I hear this question regularly. A couple reaches out about a difficulty with sexual intimacy. We discuss what working together would involve, including the cost. Then comes the understandable question: Is there something we can do ourselves? A technique? A resource? A piece of advice that might help?
I understand why you ask. You want things to improve, and paying for help may be difficult.
Sometimes I can point you toward something useful. Sometimes, though, I cannot give you the help you need in an email, a text, or a fifteen-minute phone call.
When that happens, I want you to understand why.
If I can answer it in an article, I try to
Sharing useful information is part of why this apostolate exists.
When I repeatedly hear a question in coaching, and I can responsibly answer it for a general audience, I make a point of writing an article about it. These are practical questions, and couples deserve clear answers. For example:
We also offer the Yes / No / Maybe Guide, which you can receive free when you sign up for our SMS newsletters, and The Catholic Marital Intimacy Blueprint, available free when you sign up for our email newsletter.
Hundreds upon hundreds of couples have downloaded these resources.
Some couples find them tremendously helpful. A guide opens a conversation they have struggled to begin. An explanation helps them understand something they have been experiencing. A practical suggestion gives them a useful next step.
Other couples read the same material and realize they need more help.
Both responses make sense. A general resource can be a valuable place to start without being enough to resolve every couple’s difficulties.
If I had a simple answer that reliably solved these problems, I would be delighted to publish it.
Why a useful suggestion may not be enough
What you describe in a paragraph may take considerable conversation to understand.
Two couples can contact me about the same apparent problem and need different approaches. What you have already tried, whether there is pain or anxiety, how you communicate, and what happens when you attempt an exercise can all affect what would be useful next.
Then there is the work of putting that guidance into practice.
You may understand an explanation and still struggle to apply it. You may try something and encounter an obstacle you did not anticipate. We may need to slow down, clarify, change an exercise, or recognize that another professional should be involved.
For many couples I work with, that process involves ten to twenty hours together, alongside what they practice between sessions.
I cannot reliably condense that work into a brief exchange. The knowledge behind it has taken years to develop, and applying it to your circumstances takes time and attention.
An article can explain a principle. Working together allows us to understand how that principle applies to you and what to do when you get stuck.
I do not want to give you an incomplete answer
I understand the appeal of “Just tell us one thing to try.”
Sometimes there is a reasonable suggestion I can offer. Other times, giving you a technique without enough understanding or preparation would be doing you a disservice.
You could try it, find that it does not work, and conclude that you are the problem. You could become more discouraged, or feel that you have failed at yet another attempt to improve your intimacy.
What looks like a simple recommendation may need explanation, a particular sequence, or follow-up to become useful.
I care about what happens after you read my reply. My responsibility includes recognizing when a brief answer would be inadequate.
If I tell you that I cannot address your situation through an email, please understand that there may be substantial work behind the answer you are asking for.
Why we charge for individualized help
This work has required a considerable investment, and that investment continues.
My preparation includes more than a decade of theological formation, more than 400 hours of formal study in sexology, and extensive additional research and writing. I continue to study because there is still much for me to learn. Courses, professional training, and continuing education cost money.
So does providing the service itself.
The people working behind the scenes make it possible for me to spend time with couples. Their work deserves compensation. The platforms and tools we use to schedule appointments, communicate, and provide resources also have ongoing costs.
When I set rates, I consider what we realistically need to keep this work available and sustainable.
I would welcome the ability to offer individualized help to couples without charging them. At present, however, donations do not come close to covering what that would require.
The fact that we are an apostolate does not remove the costs of doing the work. We have to meet those costs if we are going to continue serving couples.
I also recognize that understanding why a service costs money does not suddenly make it affordable. That difficulty is real. It is one reason I continue writing and making general resources available.
I would be happy to become unnecessary
I have invested so much in this work because I have seen the suffering these difficulties cause.
I have seen how painful it can be to want closeness with your spouse while dreading what intimacy might involve. I have heard the frustration of trying for years without understanding why things are not improving.
I want that suffering to end.
As I recently told someone, if there were no more cases of vaginismus, if every wife could experience satisfying intimacy, and couples no longer needed this work, I would be happy to return to the Army full-time.
I would be delighted to become unnecessary.
There are more than enough couples who need help. I have every reason to share useful knowledge and help you move forward.
Where you can start
Please use the resources we make available. Explore the articles linked above. Get the Yes / No / Maybe Guide free by signing up for our SMS newsletters, or sign up for our email newsletter to receive the Blueprint. Have the conversations those resources help you begin.
You may find something that makes a meaningful difference.
If you find that you need more individualized guidance, you can fill out a coaching inquiry to tell us what you are experiencing and explore whether working together would be appropriate.
And if I cannot give you the answer you hoped for in a brief reply, please understand: I am not holding back a quick fix.
I want to give you help that is adequate to what you are facing. Sometimes that takes more than an answer. It takes working through the problem together.