Don’t Assume Your Spouse Has Negative Intentions

Catholic marriage calls spouses to assume the best of one another rather than fall into rash judgment. The Catechism teaches us to interpret our spouse’s words and actions favorably, a simple principle that can reduce conflict, strengthen communication, and build a more loving marriage.

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When someone hurts me, especially my spouse, it can be tempting to tell myself the story that she meant to hurt me on purpose. However, I should not assume this. Instead, I should assume the best of my spouse, and believe that although what she did caused me pain, that she did it with either a good intention or at least a neutral one. This is actually a teaching of the Catholic Church. 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, in paragraph 2478, says this: 

“To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor's thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

‘Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another's statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it, and if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.’”

This teaching is taken from St. Ignatius of Loyola and applies to all of our relationships. Therefore, it must be followed especially in marriage. 

Rash judgment is defined in the Catechism in the previous paragraph (2477) this way. “He becomes guilty: - of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor”. 

Here is an example. If a wife is upset with her husband for leaving his clothes on the floor, it can be tempting for her to think that he left the clothes on the floor because he does not care about her or because he wants to give her more work. Instead, she should assume that he was tired and had a hard day at work, was in a rush in the morning, or at least that he just did not think at all about how she would feel. The point is that she should not believe that he did this to upset her.

This does not mean that she should not discuss the situation with him. It means that when she does, she should not accuse him of bad motives. Remember that the devil is called “the accuser”, and any impulse to accuse in this way is not from God. Instead, she should share with him how it makes her feel when he leaves his clothes on the floor. She should take ownership of her feelings and try to understand why his clothes on the floor leads her to anger. The sharing of her feelings with her husband can begin with a sentence that goes, “When you did this, I felt ___. Can we please talk about it?”  By sharing with him how she feels when his clothes are left on the floor, they can reach an agreement on the way forward, and hopefully, this will be the end of it.

What To Do If The Behavior Continues

Sometimes it becomes clear that people have bad intentions, or that they just do not care. Sticking with the clothes analogy, let us say that the husband leaves his clothes on the floor again. Is she then justified in assuming bad intentions? Not yet. But she can, as the Catechism teaching says “ask how the other understands it”. Communication expert and lawyer Jefferson Fisher says that there is a time to ask questions such as, “Did you intend to upset me when you did that?” I would say that after a repeat offense or two, this is a fair question to ask, but bad intentions cannot be assumed before this question is answered. If the unwanted behavior continues after a few conversations, then there is clearly a problem, and further conversations and help will be needed. However, would she, at this point, be justified in accusing him of bad intentions? Maybe, but is that the best thing to do? Perhaps not. She still has a choice in how she thinks about him and this situation. She could think to herself that he is a lazy jerk and be mad at him. Or she could have compassion for him and choose to believe that this is a deeply ingrained habit that he is having a hard time breaking or that he has a serious blind spot. Or she could choose to believe that he is forgetful in this area and they could agree that she will give him a daily reminder. She still has a choice in how she chooses to think about him and treat him. She has a choice in how she channels her anger and hurt, which could be toward accusing him and treating him with contempt or implementing a more effective solution or getting outside help and still viewing him as her husband who is worthy of love and respect despite his shortcomings. 

This article is not meant to address every possible area where things can go wrong in marriage. It is meant to instill a default way of relating with other people in general and our spouses in particular. I generally believe that my spouse has good intentions, and if something upsets me, that she did not intend to hurt me. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, we must generally believe this about everyone. So assume that your spouse does not intend harm. It is good for you, and the Church requires it.