Should Sex Be Scheduled or Spontaneous?

Should sex be scheduled, spontaneous, or should married couples have a mix of both? There is nothing wrong with spontaneous moments of intimacy, but in this article, Theo McManigal argues for the value of scheduling sex.

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The title of this article is meant to get the reader thinking. As a Catholic apostolate, we believe that much of life consists of “both/and” realities and not only “either-or” realities. If married couples can have both scheduled and spontaneous intimacy in their marriage, this is a wonderful thing. However, in this article, I will argue that scheduling sex is worthwhile. 

The first reason it is worthwhile to schedule sex is because anticipation is a valuable part of any experience. Catholic professor, scientist, and author Arthur Brooks says that “the data say that one of the greatest sources of happiness from any pleasurable activity is the anticipation of it.” He says more about this in the video that I linked to, but it is well known from experience and a scientific fact that anticipation is an important part of pleasurable experiences. 

Some couples may believe that earlier in their marriages before they had kids and when they had more time with each other that sex was spontaneous. However, I propose that it was actually “scheduled”, at least in the sense that they knew earlier in the day that later in the day they would have alone time and would likely be intimate. They had the chance to anticipate, even if they did not write anything on an actual calendar about what would happen later that day. When many people think of a time when it seemed spontaneous, it was likely actually “scheduled” in a sense and they had a chance to anticipate it later.

Another reason it is worthwhile to schedule sex is because if one spouse is anticipating it but not actually looking forward to it, then the couple can be honest with themselves about this and take steps to resolve this, including getting help. Spouses should be excited about intimacy with each other, but if couples get to a place where one or both of the spouses are not looking forward to intimacy, then they can be honest about this and move forward to resolve it, and get help if necessary.

Finally, an article written on the website of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops about NFP and “sexual spontaneity” says, “The reality is that most sexual encounters are planned…” and it also says, “It's not necessarily bad news that married couples often plan on a time to have sexual relations. A loving invitation given in advance means a time of healthy anticipation for both husband and wife.”

These are a couple of reasons why scheduling sex can be valuable. I talk more about this in our podcast episode on the topic titled “Should Sex Be Scheduled or Spontaneous?”.